Sunday, August 19, 2012

Sorry to all customers that we have disappointed!

Well, I have been thinking for a while on whether or not to write this on my blog.  I have started a new blog, the one that I have been writing on very frequently to my dearest baby boy.  Some of you are aware and some don't that I recently just had my 3rd beautiful baby boy... who is currently 3.5 months old as of today but has yet to come home.

Anyway, I haven't been up to a lot of things every since he was born.  He was born on April 29th 2012.  Ever since he is born, my life has changed and will never be the same.  All of the sudden, without any warning, I am a special need kid's mom.  I have been into a deep depression whereby I just felt like hiding in the closet and not come out.  For 6 weeks in NICU, we have done test over test over test and everything has come back normal but the question is, WHY does he stop breathing or does shallow breathing?  It was that bad till he went into a seizure and had to be intubated multiple times.  For those of you who has babies in the NICU before, you probably know what intubation is, for those who has healthy kids, like my first 2 kids, you will never know and will never understand how it is to see your baby that you have carried in you and loved for 9 months suffer with a tube in his mouth just to help him breathe.  6 weeks later, I was told that my son has a rare genetic disorder called Congenital Central Hypoventilation Syndrome (CCHS), also known as "Ondine's Curse".  When I was told about Ondine's curse, it sounded really bad, it's like I have been cursed.... the truth is.... I am!  My son will stop breathing or does shallow breathing causing his CO2 to raise.  When he was 3 weeks old, he had a seizure due to a CO2 level of 199 (Normal range is 35 to 45).  Thank goodness, he did not go into a coma.

As of today, August 19th, I am still in the hospital, we just moved out of NICU last week to the regular ventilator floor.  Most of you make small decisions such as whether to put them in a day care or not, whether to use cloth diapers or not... for me, I had to make a decision where by I have never imagined I had to, which is to trach my son.  For as long as I have lived, I have never been asked to make such a difficult decision, to me, when I was asked that question, it's like you are asking me to turn off the life support of my son and to let him die.  Yes.... it is not the same but to me, it is because you are asking me to take a normal life away from him but then again, I was asked another question, do you want him to live?  YES!!!! But I know, some of you probably had to make the decision to turn off life support of your baby and actually had to do it, so... for me, it isn't that bad after all compared to some of you.  I cried and cried and when I saw him being pushed back from the OR with the trach and tubes connected to his ventilator, it just felt like I am seeing a knife cutting through my baby's throat.

I HATE walking into NICU daily, there are days where I really have to drag myself there.  I needed to see my baby badly but why... why do I have to go to NICU to see him?  I just didn't understand.  I had 2 healthy boys, I had a normal pregnancy, I had a perfect delivery but why 30 mins after he was born, he was sent to the NICU?  At first, I did ask... WHY me?  Why am I chosen?  Some console me, telling me that God will not give me something that I cannot handle, I ask, is this something that I can handle?  NO.... I cannot, yet, I have to pick myself up as I have a family to support, I have 2 other boys that needed a mama and needed food on the table.

I asked my husband yesterday, do you think I can survive by just sleeping 2-3 hours at night and just 15-20 mins naps here and there daily?  He said no, and the truth is I tried really hard and I couldn't.  During the weekdays, I try to stay in the hospital with him and if my dad doesn't bring the boys to see me in the hospital, I have to drive back home.  There are occasions where I fell asleep awaiting for the traffic light and awaken by the honk.

I used to be a girl with goals, with dreams, I am so happy that I work really hard to achieve what I want.  I have a day job, I work from 8 - 8+pm in the office, I immediately go back to the hotel (as I travel for work) and work from 9+ to 1-2am daily without fail.  I started off with selling a few diapers a week to what I have now.  I think of ways to promote by business but after April 29th 2012, a tornado has swept through my life and left me in a total mess.  That's my life now.  I scramble each day, I cry when I am alone as I needed to show my family that I am still strong and going but the truth is, I feel defeated.

Yet... I have to see message that customers leave me, telling me that YOU SUCK... You have the worst customer service ever, you have the slowest shipping ever.  Yes... that's me now... I have nothing but I SUCK in every ways!  Thanks for telling me that!  It really does bother me and I don't blame my customers... customers are always right.  When you have a near perfect (never perfect because grass is always greener on the other side) life... then, a few days late on receiving a product would make someone really mad, I had to be threaten each time... threaten to be given a bad feedback, threaten to be told as the worst diaper company ever.... I am SORRY.... I didn't mean all that I've done.  I didn't mean to ship late, didn't mean to be sending the wrong colors, didn't mean to upset anyone at all.

I haven't been going to facebook much for the longest time, if I am on, I am constantly on the CCHS group page, finding reasons why my son is doing this and that and talking to parents, asking them what they went through with their kids, looking at family with older kids to assure myself that my son will live.  I don't go much to the regular facebook because I am sad... yes, I envy you guys with normal and healthy kids, pictures of your babies with you guys... I don't.  It hurts me so badly.  A dear friend told me to cry it out, to grieve... she told me, Laura.... you need to cry, you need to let your feelings out, you lost a child.... you lost a healthy & normal child that you were expecting.  You need a period to grieve, yes but I feel like I don't even have time for that.  I hardly go anywhere now as I feel really upset seeing people carrying their beautiful baby out, where else, I hardly can carry him much because it irritates him and whenever he is irritated, he holds on to his breathe and turns blue and pass out.  For normal human, when they pass out, the brain will automatically send a signal and the kid will breathe again, unfortunately, it doesn't happen for him, once he pass out, if we do not bag him, he may eventually die.

There are several occasions whereby I told my customers the reason why I am late, why I am making mistakes and I still remember a customer telling me... you shouldn't mix business with personal.  That's why I said, it took me a while to write this on my business blog since this is personal but the truth is.... I am a human, I have my personal life.  I wish I can forget about my personal life and just focus on business and treat as if nothing has happened but unfortunately... I am not able to :(  My life is my family, my day job and my business.  I cried on my way to the hospital today, I asked myself, will I ever smile again in my heart.  I try to smile outside but inside, I feel like I will never smile again.  I also remember a customer telling me to stop my business to focus on him, I wish I can.... if the doctors or God can tell me that he will be in this situation for 6 months or 2 years or a definite answer, yes, I will do that but unfortunately, no... this is a life long disease without cure... in the mutation numbers, he is the worst case and I cannot afford to stop my life to just focus on him, like i say, I need to put food on the table, a roof over my family's head.  It's not something that can be fixed with a surgery and poof... he's a healthy and normal child.

I just wanted to share my feelings with some of my customers who actually cares for me, thank you very much for keeping us in your prayers.  Everyday, I hope to get up and everything that happened these couple of months is just a dream and it's just a nightmare unfortunately... I know that it will not happen.  I know that God has chosen me for a reason and I have never blamed him.  I just hope that life would be easier on me.  Thanks for listening and I know for some of you who still hate me and thinks that I deserve this... I am sorry for making you guys upset and disappointed.

Dedicated to my sweet baby boy, Laynson :


  1. Oh Laura thank you for writing your raw emotions. I am so sorry for what you are going thru and NO you DO NOT deserve this but I don't know why God has put your family in this place. I personally don't know how you are keeping up the way you are, I have had no problems with your customers service. Can I just say I think there is nothing wrong with mixing personal with business, its the beauty of small business and I would much rather buy from a mom supporting her family than a bigger corporation. With that said I feel bad every time I place an order because I know the strain it puts on you to fill but I just have to tell myself I am supporting you. Please know not all your customers are insensitive jerks, I have talk to many long time customers, as well as myself that. Have great sympathy and are praying for you. It is normal to feel depressed just know that God is still near you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

  2. My thoughts and prayers go to you and your family. And I hope people get off your back about shipping or wrong color. You are only human and if you didn't have a life I don't think you would be selling these great products.

  3. I'm so very sorry. I can't pretend to know what you are going through because I am sure it is so very hard. you are an amazing woman and even though you are saying that you don't think you can do this. you are doing it and have somehow managed to keep your life going and keep your two other boys healthy and fed. Keep your chin up, even though it may not feel like it right now, you are an amazing woman. I'm sure you will surprise yourself with what you can do and ate doing now. God bless you and your family, and may he watch over your newest addition

  4. I'm sorry mamma! I say take your time and do what you can. Things will get easier, not easy but easier, as time goes by. You and your family are in my prayers!

  5. Laura, I'm.really sorry to hear about it, I really appreciate the effort you are paying for attending us, I'd like to give you some useful words or phrases but I'm not even closer to know how ir feels to have a baby with this conditios. All I can do is to pray for your baby boy Laynson's health and wish the best for you. I admire you Laura, if there's something that I can do for you, please let me know.

    All my best wishes!

  6. Thanks for sharing your story and your heart. I can't begin to imagine how you feel or what you are going through, but I will pray for you. I know God has a purpose for you and this even if you can't see it yet. You are a great testimony to everyone around you. Please keep that chin up! You are a wonderful business woman and momma. I love your products and will always support your business, please don't let people get to you. There will always be someone to put you down and discourage you but remember the truth that you are doing the best you can and God will get you through. Keep on pushing through. Many thoughts and prayers

  7. I cried as I read that. You probably don't feel like it, but you are an incredibly strong woman. I can't say I know how you feel, because I don't. But I will pray for you. And to any customer who doesn't have the decency to give you some slack, should go somewhere else to shop. That's ridiculous and heartless. Virtual hugs.

  8. Praying for your family.

  9. I am so sorry for everything your family is going through. You have a handsom little boy there and I hope you all the best.

  10. Hang in there mama, it's not easy when the ball drops but you do learn to cope. Once you mourn you do see the light and you can see the amazing things your son will teach you. I have a 2 year old with a lot of medical conditions, though we didn't have to trach him he does have a gtube and can't eat normal foods. I just want to let you know you aren't alone. <3

  11. I'm so sorry for the situation you're going through, and for the cruelty of those customers. I'm not a customer, but I was directed to your story from a co-op board I frequent, and everyone there was very sympathetic as well. I can only imagine the stress and heartache you're going through. Frankly, I doubt I'd be able to fill any orders while dealing with everything you are, I really respect your continuing to honor orders.
    Is there anything we can do to help out? Stop ordering, continue ordering (with patience), or anything else?

  12. I only order your flushable liners cause I like them the most. Reading your story made me cry. I'm (thankfully) not a mom of a SN child,but I do understand the basic feelings you have. I personally have Cerebral Palsy and being a mom of a 7 month old "normal" boy is hard when you can't get down on the floor to play with him, or give him a bath without help, or even carry him. But at least he's home.

    Huggs and keep up the good work! You'll be seeing orders from me in the future :) and I'll *try to* remember to order before I run out so I'm not impatient about getting them. LOL

    and Prayers to your adorable son.

  13. Laura,
    As a nurse and mom I can't express what empathy I feel for you! My heart aches. My child was born growth restricted with milk intolerance and GERD. We still have GERD...we have battle failure to thrive and beat it! I did place her on an apnea monitor at a few months due to her choking on reflux just so I knew she was ok. I know how it can be to sit by adn feel helpless and out of control! It is an aweful feeling! As parents we feel we should be in control and able to kiss away the hurts...but sadly as I learned I am NOT the one in control! A good friend and wise woman told me if I am worrying I am not when I feel the need o worry I pray...pray to understand his plan, his goals, what he wants from me, I pray from strength and the ability to pull mysellf together and accept what HIS plan is for me. I then suffered infertility and for 8 months each negative HPT I cried for the child I didn't get. I am so sorry momma and if I could I would gve you a million hugs over and pray with you. You are not alone in this journey...

  14. Laura,
    I've done business with you twice so far. Both times your shipping was timely. Both times the products were right, both times my customers have been very happy with the customer service. I am so very sorry that people are so shallow and self centered as to not be able to remember that there is a mom on the other end of the computer who is struggling to do the very best she can. You and your beautiful boy have been in my thoughts since you told us of his birth back in April and you will continue to be in my thoughts for a long time to come. I hope that your sweet boy thrives to the best of his ability and that with time, you find a new "normal".

    When my 2nd son was born with special needs, someone shared a poem with me and now I'm going to share it with you.

    Please read this poem when you have time. It helps.

    All my love,

  15. I know it is not easy and truth be told I dont have any words to make it better! however what I can say is ur amazing for continuing the buisness right now. I would have thrown in the towel long ago. I love ur products and will wait as long as it takes! I will pray for u and ur beautiful little boy and ur family! hugs!

  16. thinking of you and yours!

  17. You shouldn't have to apologize to anyone for what you are going through. I pray for your son and family! You are a strong woman do NOT let those insensitive people bring you down. Keep your head up and kiss that baby boy

  18. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. My heart goes out to your sweet boy and family. Sending you much strength and love and praying for better times. Please take care of yourself too, Laynson needs a healthy mama :)

  19. Oh my, I am so very very sorry you are dealing with this! I am also sorry (and angry on your behalf) that you seem to have such heartless customers!! "Don't mix business and personal"?? Really!? I would "fire" that customer if I were in your shoes!

    My husband and I have a business, we also have a dream of another business that we wish to open one day. My husband says all the time that the customer is NOT always right. He swears he will have rules as you walk in the door of our future business... if you don't like them... leave. One of them will be that you are KIND in all matters.. no matter what. Having customers email you that "You Suck"? What are these people thinking!? I'm so very sorry. Even if you were not going through this right now, those kinds of comments are never acceptable in the real world or the business world! Much love to you and yours! I'm unfamiliar with your sons diagnosis and it makes me feel like I don't know what to say.. you said it is lifelong so get better doesn't seem appropriate.. So I will offer many prayers and to keep you in my thoughts!

  20. You & your family are in my thoughts & prayers. <3 you mama!! Hang in there.

  21. I am so very sorry you are going through that and I can't believe how horrible people are being to you! People should have some compassion. People can be so self-centered and heartless. I'm sorry you have to deal with them.

  22. As a fellow mama of a special needs child, I understand the shock and grief that comes with getting such a diagnosis, having a child who you don't know if they're going to live or what their life will be like...

    I can tell you, 7 years into it, that babyhood was the hardest, that things don't get easy but they do change and you adapt and find a new normal. That there is something freeing in having no expectations of your child, that you can then be thrilled with every small victory.

    Our special children help us let go of our ego in parenting... they tear us down to our component parts and rebuild us again brand new.

    And it is hard, so hard to see your child in pain, in the hospital, suffering... but children are amazing, adaptable creatures and they find ways to shine.

    As for the business side of it... You do what you need to do, you do your best, and if that is not sufficient, well, all you can do is try with the resources at hand. If you can farm out some of the work, do... I haven't been able to work since my special needs child was born, that you are doing it at all is amazing.

    My little girl was not expected to have language, but she reads... don't let anyone sell your kid short, or tell you "they can't" or "they never will"... the fact is that the doctors have no idea. None. Until you get there, you won't either, but don't think your child's life will be valueless. There is so much our kids teach us and the world around us that they enrich us by their very presence.

    Good luck to you... take it one day at a time.

  23. I just want to say that the peopke saying you suck are rediculous, YOu are going throught one of the hardest things a mother can go through, and after explaining your reasons people need to be more understanding.

  24. Awe it is amazing you took time to write this blog, i am so sorry for everything your going through we also have a 3 month old boy who has been in and out of hospital and they also do not know the cause , they said seizures, acid reflex and still unsure why my son has episodes, sigh.. so i know how it feels and watching our lil ones hooked up to monitors, iv's and whatnot! your son is so cute, and if i am not mistaken he actually looks like you! Stay strong mama!


  25. I am so, so sorry you're going through this, both in your personal life, as well as having to deal with nasty customers. People should really be more understanding. I will keep you in my thoughts, and I really hope things start to get better for you soon.

  26. Bless your heart. Shame on self-centered consumers who can't see past their own wants to allow another MOTHER to do what she needs to do for her child. You are clearly a rock in the midst of a storm and I pray the Most High continue to be solid ground for you. I hope you are able to find your "new normalcy" soon. Life will never be the same, but in time we all find a "new normal" or when we least expect it--it finds us. Blessings on you, your beautiful son, and your family Laura!

  27. Aww, he is beautiful! I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I pray things get easier for you. Real life DOES get in the way of business-for everyone. So ignore the mean comments and know that your business will pull through this with or without them. :)

  28. Dearest Laura,
    I'm so very sorry that you and little Laynson are having to deal with all of this. I'm also very sorry that some people are being so rude and hateful to you. I hope you know that the majority of people in this world are good and caring and they wish nothing but the best for you and your sweet baby boy. May God grant you strength and comfort while you adjust. OH and by the way he is just gorgeous!!!!! God Bless you.


  29. God bless you cand your sweet family with the comfort and healing only He can give. Sending prayers and hugs.

  30. Bless you, your family and this precious boy. All these people telling you these nasty things....ignore them. Obviously they are very ignorant and selfish.

    There are no words I can offer to be of comfort, so I will just let you know that you all are in my prayers and always follow your heart.

  31. Hugs from a fellow NICU mom! I know nothing can make it better but here's a HUG to help get you through another day.

  32. you may want to read this. its for preemie babies but I think it equally applies in your case as well. I read it alot when we were in the NICU.
    ~*~How Preemie Moms Are Chosen~*~
    (Erma Bombeck)

    Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?
    Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his
    instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he
    observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.
    "Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew.
    Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia.
    Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to
    Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles.
    "Give her a preemie." The angel is curious. "Why this one, God?
    She's so happy."
    "Exactly," smiles God.
    "Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That
    would be cruel."
    "But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.
    "I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea
    of self-pity and despair.
    Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it.
    I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so
    rare and so necessary in a mother.
    You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own.
    She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."
    "But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
    God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect She has
    just the right amount of selfishness."
    The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"
    God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally,
    she will never survive.
    Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect.
    She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied.
    She will never take for granted a spoken word.
    She will never consider a step ordinary.
    When her child says momma for the first time,
    she will be witness to a miracle and know it.
    I will permit her to see clearly the things I see--
    ignorance, cruelty, prejudice--
    and allow her to rise above them.
    She will never be alone.
    I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life
    because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."
    "And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in
    the air.
    God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

  33. Laura, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope things get better for you <3

  34. Oh my good ness I am very sorry to here this. I am not a customer but my prayers are with you and your family.

  35. You, your family and your beautiful little boy are in my prayers, and anyone who would fault you as a work at home mom, for having trouble dealing with business while going through this traumatic life event, isnt a very understanding person. Yes, you have to put food on the table and things like that but as mothers even of healthy children i would think we could imagine the difficult (thats putting it mildly) time you are going through and be understanding. You DO NOT suck, you are human and love your family.
    I had some blood sugar issues, a fever at birth and then readmitted into the hospital 2 days after being released due to his jaundice level being at 21.8 which 24 is where they dont want it to get because it can cause major problems, it was incredibly scary and I cried a lot, so I can only imagine what you're going through right now. God speed

  36. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

  37. he is beautiful, and you are an amazing mom. I am so sorry you are all going thru this. I am praying for you, your beautiful son, and your other two boys,and your husband.

  38. I am sorry for what you are going through.. I just wanted to say that yur son is beautiful

  39. How horrible of people to be mad at you for something beyond your control when they would more than likely be just as torn up by their baby needing so much medical attention too. My little girl was very sick for most of her infancy. They didn't diagnose her until 10 months old. I know exactly what you're feeling. Don't listen to negative people trying to tell you how to live your life when they have no idea what you're going through. Be strong and be there for that precious baby of yours. I focused solely on getting my baby taken care of and it helped. Eventually my life straightened out. Yours will too. Those that are mad at you will be mad no matter what you say but the people that are still good in this world will realize that everyone has bad times in their lIfe and won't be mad at you for putting business on the back burner.

  40. much love sent to you and your little handsome boy!!! He is a doll! I wish i could say it will get easier but sounds like it wont. I will be thinking of you and your famliy! Take it one day at a time, and crying is ok!! you need to cry and show your emotions, or they are gonna bottle up and your gonna loose it! Big hugs sent you to you!!!

  41. I have never met you until I read your post above. Yet, I would love to give you a hug, to hold you to tell you that YOU matter and YOU are dearly loved. I have a number of children and while they are all "healthy" a couple have "special needs" even the "normal" ones have issues. One minute at a time, little Layson needs you.
    I read something the other day: God doesn't give you what you can handle, He helps you handle what you are given. Stay strong mama.

  42. You don't have to post this... I posted the anon. comment about God helping you handle what you were given... I am SO sorry I spelled Laynson name wrong. Please forgive me.

  43. wow when i read this i cried being a bussiness mommy too i totally understand where you are comming from and wish their was a way i could help. all you can do mama is take it one day at a time and pray for the best . i cant even imagine what you are going thru unfortantly you cant always seperate bussiness and personal issues and i wish more people showed more support and understanding rather then negitivty i just placed my first order with you and im in no hurry for it. my grandma lived at home with a trach on a vent for 7 years before passing so maybe thats why im alittle more understanding than others.i wish you and your family best wishes from above and you have my total support stay strong and postive it will work out somehow

  44. My heart broke as I read this. As a Mama to 3 kids with special needs, I could relate to so many of your emotions and feelings. I have stood and watched my newborn baby (23 hours) be taken back for a surgery to save her life. I have watched as she has endured more medical tests/procedures that most people my age. I have listened as friends asked me when I was going to "get back to life." My life hasn't been the same since. I have grieved the loss of my "dreams" of being a mom.....nothing is even close to what I pictured.

    Take care of you. And your friend is right...scream, cry, in the moment and most of all, love your precious little ones. I am sorry that you have had to deal with "crap" while your life is being turned upside down.

    Big hugs to you and know that you are in my thoughts as you learn to navigate this new path you and your family is on.

  45. I lost my son.s twin which I didn't have time to mourn because I had to fight everyone and go against drs and my husband and make the choice for my son to live. He was born early, and I had a long hospital stay, as well as him. I had to work through my wahm business and all the orders I had, I did have to close for 6 months......It was a rollercoaster, I was alone, I cried. I share all this for support. I am sorry your going through all of this, and in time I hope you find peace.......

  46. I am so so sorry for you. I was getting ready to place an order from your website and decided to see if you were on Facebook when I seen your story and then seen all the nasty, negative comments from customers! I am so sorry you are going through this! You would think people would have feelings and understand that you are going through unimaginable pain right now. I will be placing an order and take as much time as you need to fill it. Blessings & Prayers. Brittany Worley

  47. Stay strong, mama! Your little boy is absolutely adorable! Never apologize for being a good mama that cares about her family. They come first! Any person buying diapers has kids and should understand this. Take care and you and your sweet baby boy and you family are in my thoughts.


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