The economy is getting better, jobs are picking up, you hear this from all over. Though, yesterday around 3+ when I was over at my coworker's desk, the phone rang. I missed that called but went back to my desk and saw the phone that my husband called. He started off with "Do you have a minute?" I can sense trouble, I guess we are all mom, we all have that sense, I asked, what is the problem, please tell me. His answer was, I just got laid off. I am out of the building.
When things seems to get better, all of the sudden, something happens. I always think that I am constantly running at 150mph, probably even faster than that till I cannot sleep at night. Because when I lay on the bed, I will think, have I done this, have I done that, ohh... I forgot to answer the lady about her question via email. I just cannot sleep. I get 3-5 hours of sleep everyday. I feel especially these 2-3 weeks after mom left, I aged 10 years overnight. I feel tired and when it's time for me to be awake, I will tend to fall asleep, even standing at a group meeting.
I asked myself, what have I done to deserve this? I feel each time, everything that happens is all my fault. He lost his job, is it because he came to the city I worked to help me out with my sick baby just so that I can go into the office? Did I caused his job? Customer's not happy about the diapers, is it because I didn't find a better supplier, customer not happy about the shipment, too slow, is it because I didn't ship like immediately? I wish I could clone myself. I feel like I am a bad mommy, I hardly have time to sit and play with my kids because I constantly have a laptop infront of me trying to do everything I can while with my kids. I feel like a bad wife, I don't have time for my husband, I feel like I am a bad employee when the clients are not happy with the way the system goes. Believe me, if I can satisfy everyone in the world, I would do so.