Tuesday, January 25, 2011

It is here again :( My husband lost his job again.

The economy is getting better, jobs are picking up, you hear this from all over.  Though, yesterday around 3+ when I was over at my coworker's desk, the phone rang.  I missed that called but went back to my desk and saw the phone that my husband called.  He started off with "Do you have a minute?"  I can sense trouble, I guess we are all mom, we all have that sense, I asked, what is the problem, please tell me.  His answer was, I just got laid off.  I am out of the building.

When things seems to get better, all of the sudden, something happens.  I always think that I am constantly running at 150mph, probably even faster than that till I cannot sleep at night.  Because when I lay on the bed, I will think, have I done this, have I done that, ohh... I forgot to answer the lady about her question via email.  I just cannot sleep.  I get 3-5 hours of sleep everyday.  I feel especially these 2-3 weeks after mom left, I aged 10 years overnight.  I feel tired and when it's time for me to be awake, I will tend to fall asleep, even standing at a group meeting.  

I asked myself, what have I done to deserve this?  I feel each time, everything that happens is all my fault.  He lost his job, is it because he came to the city I worked to help me out with my sick baby just so that I can go into the office?  Did I caused his job?  Customer's not happy about the diapers, is it because I didn't find a better supplier, customer not happy about the shipment, too slow, is it because I didn't ship like immediately?  I wish I could clone myself.  I feel like I am a bad mommy, I hardly have time to sit and play with my kids because I constantly have a laptop infront of me trying to do everything I can while with my kids.  I feel like a bad wife, I don't have time for my husband, I feel like I am a bad employee when the clients are not happy with the way the system goes.  Believe me, if I can satisfy everyone in the world, I would do so.

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